Ursula's Not So Secret History

Climbing Ben Nevis

2012-04-20T09:08:37Z

With God's help, next Saturday I will be successful in my attempt to summit Ben Nevis the highest mountain in Scotland and really the entire British Isles. I'm nervous but extremely excited. Particularly as after last year's summit of Snowdon the highest mountain in Wales, I wanted to climb even further heights. With elevation of 4,409 feet, this definitely is higher plus weather condition will be more extreme. We will most likely encounter rain, gail force winds and snow near the top. Thankfully, I already own gear to make the climb comfortable so definitely looking forward to heading on out and up.

Caine's Arcade

2012-04-11T09:52:45Z

This video about a 9 year old boy who created a complete arcade from cardboard boxes is a reminder to self to better use the resources around me. And so instead of thinking, if only I had XYZ, I need to look closer at what I have and think of how they can be used differently. As this video demonstrates, anything is possible will a bit of imagination.

For more information about Caine's Arcade, you can visit his Internet site.

Inspiration

2012-04-01T09:36:11Z

Life is a roller coaster. On the personal as well as professional front, there are ups and then there are downs. During the down periods, I often spend time reflecting but also seeking inspiration from people I admire. One such person is Nelson Mandela. To think how he suffered such hardship for near 30 years as a prisoner in Robben Island but yet came out and was so gracious and lived an even more purposeful life. Truly inspiring and a reminder to self that I need to keep pressing ahead and even step up my game. I am capable of so much more so enough with the limiting beliefs.

London 2012 Ceremonies: Volunteer Performer

2012-03-19T20:32:27Z

Last year I applied for London 2012 Olympic tickets. I figured I'd never again live in a city with the Olympics and so wanted to attend a few of the events. And as it would be a once in a lifetime opportunity, I was particularly keen to attend the opening or closing ceremony. Unfortunately, my bid was not successful with either event. Not surprising really as millions applied. Thus, after reading a news article which indicated that the organisers were looking for volunteer performers, I decided to apply. And luck would be on my side as not only was my application successful, but after two rounds of auditions, I was offered the position of volunteer performer at both opening and closing ceremonies. I have no idea what I'll be doing (and even if I knew couldn't share) but over the moon with excitement that I'll be in the stadium in the middle of the action for both events.

Go The Fuck To Sleep

2012-03-16T20:56:03Z

The book Go The Fuck To Sleep written by Adam Mansbach makes me almost grateful that I don't have children. It hilariously captures the frustrations many parents experience trying to get their young children to sleep each night. Here is audio version of the book narrated by Samuel Jackson.

Finding Self

2012-03-14T22:09:52Z

I absolutely love this manifesto video created by Holstee. It is a call to action to live a life full of intention, creativity, passion, and community. So this speaks to me as for the last few years, I've been trying to do more of what I love. Also change what I don't like about myself or surroundings. Its not easy as personal and professional pressures often come bearing down, but trying to stay true to self as know this will get my closer to my ultimate destiny. And really, life is too short to be not following this path.

Phenomenal Woman

2012-03-12T10:46:59Z

One of the biggest regrets surrounding my mother's death, is that I didn't take part in her funeral service. Truth be told by the time she died, I was so emotionally and physically exhausted that I just let others take over. All my effort the proceeding months had been consumed with trying to keep her alive, to get her on a path to remission, that when the end came, I had nothing left.

But I really do wish I had said something during the service. Even if it was just to read a poem. The one that comes to mind time and time again, when I think about my mother is Phenomenal Woman by Dr. Maya Angelou. Now I'm sure some will say it's not appropriate for a funeral -- but I suppose I want to remember my mother in better days. She was a great source of strength. Anyway, below is audio of me reading this poem last year.

Reading A Poem: Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou! (mp3)

Eighteen Years

2012-03-11T08:00:00Z

It's been eighteen years today since I held my mother's hands as she took her last breath. Eighteen years since I heard her say her final words: "God is good." Eighteen years since I picked up the bible as I heard the death rattle and read to her the Book of Psalms.

And after all these years, it's suppose to be easier. I'm not suppose to cry or even be angry because there has been enough time to bring about acceptance of it all. But I don't know -- it just all still seems so unfair that she was taken from me, my sister, the rest of the family and really the world all too soon.

So I trust that God will soon enough reveal to me his master plan because if I'm honest, after all these years, I don't know and I'm tired - really bushed. I'm tired that I've had to be so brave. I'm tired that I walk this earth alone. Sure there are people around me who love me, but without my mother's love and guidance, life just seems empty.

Christ! Is this too much truth? Maybe! But it's still what I'm feeling. It's all real and whereas I may have forgotten what happened to me last year, I remember every little detail surrounding my mother's death. I can't shake it. Maybe I'm not supposed to be able to.

Interestingly, when I saw the psychic last fall, my mother came through in the reading. This stranger, who didn't know me, was able to reveal to me in great detail the circumstances surrounding my mother's death -- all in a matter of minutes. Furthermore, she went on to tell me that Mom was looking down on me being my guardian angel guiding me in the right direction and so I'm grateful for that. Also, that she is surrounded by family and friends who are all supportive and loving to her.

So yeah, while I hope to walk this earth for another fifty years at least, I'd be lying if I said I didn't look forward to the day when I would see her in the afterlife. I have to believe that this is possible as there is still so much to say and share. I have to believe as I know this pain inside me won't go away until I hold her hands again.

CollegeTutor

2012-03-09T12:49:34Z

So last Saturday I went on a date. The first for the year -- well really a few months. So how did I meet my date, now to be known as CollegeTutor? Well, via a Internet dating site. The fact is that I just don't meet a lot of men as I go about my daily routine. Heck, men don't even really flirt with me via Facebook where I have over 900 friends. The ones that have a crush, admire from afar. And so while a dating site is not ideal, I decided to throw it in the mix - again!

So I've been on the site for a few weeks and trying to make the effort to engage. It's not easy! Why? Well, as much as I'd like to meet and settle down, the work - and let's not kid ourselves it is WORK - involved to make it happen, just doesn't excite me.

Meaning, I want to get to the stage where I've met the person and there is no doubt that we are a match. However, all the work that comes before that just seems like too much. Plus there is/was Basherter. For much of last year, I couldn't shake the desire to be with him even though I know it's not practical -- the heart wants what the heart wants. So it took awhile to get to the acceptance stage, but I'm finally there. This didn't come easy as it truly is a complex situation.

Anyway, back to the dating site. CollegeTutor initiated contact a few weeks ago and we communicated via the site and then eventually via the phone. He seemed normal and so agreed to go on a date with him. However it didn't happen for about two weeks due to schedule conflicts.

Now I'm not normally busy on the weekends (my couch is my best friend!) but I had both professional and personal commitments so I deferred - also I wanted to lose a few pounds. Anyway, we meet up and while he felt sparks, I felt nothing. I really tried. Despite that, I perhaps would have gone out on a second date just to make sure but then he exhibited some stalking behaviour.

He called, texted and emailed the night of the day. He didn't allow me time to respond and so it all sort of freaked me out. So as the sparks weren't there, I just thought why bother! Plus, while I like a man who shows his hand, he was perhaps a bit too eager. So I just let it go. I did so too because he didn't exactly match up to what the psychic told me about my future partner. Is this a fool's strategy? Perhaps, but I need to be patient. I can't just jump into a relationship with someone because they are keen. The attraction, chemistry and compatibility needs to be both ways. Otherwise, there will be continual doubt and we all know where that got me the last time - remember MrFixItGuy? Well he is stalking me. Not aggressively - just every few months he phones or sends a text message to see if I'll engage. But really, I never will again because with him I'm enforcing the NO CONTACT RULE. I know he wants to be with me, and so we can't ever really go back to being friends.

But back to the dating site. I'm optimistic and really the whole experience with CollegeTutor has made me more confident that men really do find me attractive. I know I shouldn't have doubt on this, but when you've been single as long as I have, it's difficult. That all being said, I do think that 2012 is going to be my year to meet some who can go the distance. SO I remain faith and comforted that my destiny will be soon revealed. I just perhaps need to go on a few more dates before it all happens.

Explaining Londoners

2012-03-06T15:50:41Z

Want to figure out a Londoner? Then according to a recent New York Times article, you can make a snap judgement by the newspaper he or she is reading. Specifically:

The Daily Telegraph
Older conservatives who mourn the loss of the empire by placing cricket before family. Last truly happy on D-Day.

The Guardian (or The Observer on Sundays)
Bikram-practicing middle-class liberals preoccupied with ending all wars and rolling their own cigarettes.

The Times of London
Definitely a member of the political and corporate elite; fancies him-or herself as tolerant; has zero middle-class friends.

The Independent
Slightly depressed and overeducated underachievers who are really worried about the environment.

The Daily Mail
Middle-class housewives who live in fear of rising house prices, Elton John and Gypsies. Loves: Lady Thatcher, talented-pet stories and George Clooney.

The Daily Express
Intolerant, easily outraged and yet to recover from Lady Diana's death. Constant fear of terrorist attack is blunted by gin and reality TV.

The Daily Mirror
A really great night out starts with binge drinking at the greyhound track.

The Sun
Beloved by working-class conservatives eager to read a tabloid that goes for the jugular whether the topic is politics, soccer or topless women.

So does this hold up with me? Well I purchase the sunday edition of the The Times of London quite regularly. And before they started charging, I would read it online pretty much every day! It was without a doubt, my paper of choice. Now I read The Guardian daily online. So am I middle class and preoccupied with ending all wars? Yes to some degree. But due to previous yoga injury I'm none practicing and oh yeah, I don' t smoke. So only partly right. Of course, I'm not a proper Londoner. But then, very few people who live in London are actually from London which is why it makes it so difficult to figure people out!

Embracing Destiny

2012-02-05T18:37:33Z

So one by one, the men in my life (really the dead weight) are dropping like flies. This is happening as I'm quite conscious of the fact that time is fluttering by, so I need to make room in my life for a potential new partner.

Heck, I'm optimistic that this year (2012) will be the year I meet my life partner, my soulmate! Why? Well I went to this psychic last December and during the reading she so easily told me about specific events from my past, that when it came to her predictions for my future, I'm confident they will come true. So it's all about getting my mind, body and soul ready to welcome all that is coming to me. I can't wait.

My life so far has been truly blessed but it's also been quite lonely. Yes, I'm admitting that. Sure it's great to have family and friends who love and care about you - but without a life partner to share things with, there is a certain emptiness. Now don't get me wrong, I don't need a man to complete me, I just would like someone to share things with; someone to build a life and family with. And oh yeah, look after me now again. Having to do things alone is exhausting.

And now is my time, my moment. Destiny is on my side -- so past relationships or negative thoughts are not going to stop me from moving forward and having the kind of life that I so desire. I've been through my worst and the best is definitely yet to come.

Closure

2012-02-03T18:31:16Z

So I haven't heard from RacquetballGuy; not a word since he cut the holiday short and left prematurely last October. Heck, he didn't even call or send a text to say that he arrived safely back in Chicago. I'm not surprised. I did tell him that if he left without us really trying to sort matters, I wanted no contact.

Enough was enough and I really meant it. In many ways, him being here had brought about the long desired closure I needed. Sure I had initially thought it would be a rekindling of our romance, but the reality is that I couldn't trust him. I couldn't trust him to be there during the difficult times and so for me, that was a major deal breaker. I need someone in my life that isn't going to retreat like a shrinking violet when things go wrong, when things get difficult.

So do I expect to hear from him at any point in the future? Yes! Men find it difficult to stay away. That's not me being arrogant, that's just the reality. And if he does move to London this spring, then I expect to hear from him, sooner rather than later. But the reality is that if when he calls, I won't engage as I have nothing more to say to him. We're not a match on any level. Thus, there is no room in my life for him. And no, I'm not interested in maintaining a friendship of any kind. Not at this stage in my life. I really don't have time or the energy to deal with ex-boyfriends that I once thought could be my future husband and father to my children.

Heck, even if they weren't "husband material," I still don't want to maintain contact. I've had to say this to MrFixItGuy a few times last year. Heck, I've ignored 99% of his calls and text messages and he still pursues. Comical really, because when I wanted him to pay attention to me, he was off being distracted elsewhere. And now that I want nothing to do with him, he's is chasing and said he won't give up until he wins me back.

Anyway, that's that. I'm done with the dead weight. Time to move on and I know I can't do that if I'm looking back and allowing these old relationships/friends to still dominate.

For Better, For Worse

2012-02-01T18:02:02Z

So towards the end of January, I spurred a friend on to start a blog and I told him that I'd commit to posting two to three times a week. Not just about the fluff stuff, but about things that really mattered to me.

Getting him to start, was an incentive for me to recommit myself. I've been trying and meaning to commit more seriously to this blog, but simply haven't properly followed through. This is despite the fact that I'd really, really like to document my personal history more. The journey is like a roller coaster with many highs and lows and so years from now, I really do want to look back on all that I've been through.

So instead of just posting on Facebook, I need to do it more here. Because really on Facebook, I say a lot but then I don't really say much. It's all surface stuff not because I don't want to share my real self. More that I'm not sure it's the right forum. Plus it would be disjoined and I'd hate for someone to read a post out of context and without benefit of previous posts.

So, here's goes another attempt to recommit. To tell me story, honestly and openly without worry or fear as to what others will think of me. For better or worse, this is after all supposed to be a documentation of my: no so secret history.

POTUS in Ann Arbor

2012-01-27T15:53:27Z

It's great to see President Obama back at the University of Michigan.

Things Chicagoans Say

2012-01-25T15:59:48Z

I'm guilty of uttering a few of these cliché phrases back in my Chicago days. Heck, I still say a few of them now.