"If I am amazing, I won't be easy. If I am easy, I won't be amazing. If I am worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy."
This nicely sums up my journey so far with finding a suitable partner.
]]>Seriously, I want and need to be SO OVER that situation.
He's not the one. I know that.
Hopefully, my new distraction will make these continued dreams go away.
What distraction am I speaking of?
Well towards the end of all the madness with MrFixIt Guy, on advice of BestGuyFriend and others, i joined eharmony.co.uk.
I'd been thinking about it before I started dating him, but now that the situation was over in such a disasterous manner, I realised that I needed to focus on finding someone that was truly compatible.
Eharmony.co.uk seem like the best option out of all the dating sites. And I've been a paying member since the end of June.
So far I've engaged in email dialogue with a few gentlemen, but every time it got to the stage of talking via the phone, I bolted.
Then MrPropertyDeveloper appeared two weeks ago. I almost didn't response to his request to begin communication, but I thought -- what the hell? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Since then, things have progressed and we are now communicating via the phone. In fact, we've had two intense conversations. The first lasted 2 hours; the second lasted 5 hours.
Based on these talks, he sounds ideal perfect but I'll reserve judgement until we meet. There is talk of a date sometime this week. So we'll see. He just might be everything I am truly looking for -- he is successful, smart, educated, cultured, honest, sincere, good looking, etc. More importantly, he gets me. He really gets me!
This time the dream wasn't so pleasant.
In the dream he sent an email indicating that we were over!
Reason being that he was financially broke (not sure what this has to do with anything) and that he was dating another woman.
Interestingly, it wasn't the same woman he's currently linked to on Facebook.
Either way, it was all rather unsettling.
But perhaps on some level this is me coming to terms that it's definitely over!
]]>Why? Well I broke down and phoned him last night and he returned the call today.
Yeah, I know the situation is somewhat toxic, but after the whole MrFixIt Guy situation, I found it comforting to speak to him. He understands me. Plus he can handle my directness.
That said, have no fear, we are not getting back together. It's just a new attempt at friendship. Only time will tell if that's even possible.
Oh, in case your wondering about Racquetball's health, well he is feeling a bit more optimistic these days. As he recently consulted with a new set of doctors and an operation is planned for early August. So fingers crossed it will be a success.
]]>I just don't understand. We only dated for a short while. Perhaps it was the intensity of it all that still captivates me.
Perhaps its the fact that my 40th birthday is approaching and I was hoping that we would celebrate together.
Anyway, I woke up this morning dreaming about him.
I was in a room surrounded by people. He comes in; walks direct towards me and gives me a big kiss on the lips.
It was as if he was telling the world that we belonged to each other.
There was much hugging and affection. We were back together.
Perhaps all just a bit of wishful thinking.
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."
-- Maya Angelou
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
-- Maya Angelou
You don't need to call, email, text or God forbid go around your ex partner's house to know what's happening in their lives -- all you need to do is remain friends through these social media channel.
This of course delays the healing process which is not ideal. As such, I have cut ties to MrFixIt Guy through these various channels.
Perhaps in time we can become Facebook friends again, but for the time being its best to rid myself of the temptation to waste more time reading status updates and looking at pictures that are just going to get me all riled up!
]]>2008
We reconnect via Facebook and rekindle friendship via numerous chats, emails and phone calls. However, as we live in two different cities, we never meet.
2009
22 December: He confesses that he likes me in a romantic sense. I'm somewhat surprised, but then again, not really.
2010
1st May: We reconnected face to face at a BBQ in Birmingham
14th May: He visits me in London
15th May: Professes his undying love for me
After, we talk excessively about the future and make plans to see each other again but due to him being away on business for 10 days this is delayed
5th June: 2nd weekend visit cancelled as he gets sick while on business trip
12th June: I visit him in Leicester
14th June: Conversation regarding goals/values - major doubts arise
19th June: Attempts to sort matters ends in a break up
26th June: 2nd Attempt to reconcile ends in disaster
28th June: He posts pictures of another woman on his Facebook page
9th July: He updates profile to indicate that he is in a relationship with this other woman
10th July: He updates profile to indicate that he's getting married in 3 weeks to this other woman
Does this last bit make sense to you? It doesn't me!
So I call to find out what the heck is going on? He laughs it off and my questions go unanswered.
I know deep down I should be thankful as I've clearly dogged some sort of bullet, but I can't help but feel wounded at the realisation that he hadn't been entirely honest with me. Thanks to Facebook, I knew of her, but he said they were just friends. Yeah right!
]]>Saturday, 1st May @ 7:30am
The hour draws near. I am filled with anticipation; also dread and fear. Is he going to be the man I remember? Or the newly created vision in my head: someone old, weak and near death!
Whatever awaits me, I am nervous. 26 years is a long time not to see one of the two people responsible for your birth.
Will I easily forgive him or will I resent him? Only time will tell.
Of course there is also the extended family - like my half sister MotherOfTwo. I don't particularly have fond memories of her. She was manipulative. Of course, I also last saw her when were children.
Perhaps here again it is time to put these memories to rest. I'm sure we've both changed and grown over the years. It no longer makes sense to harbour a resentment over something attributed to me - but was actually said by my older sister - about not liking her.
Dad's ex-wife (are they still married?) on the other hand, I will most likely never warm to. Granted father made his choice but I've always resented her for marrying Dad. Even then I knew she wouldn't be able to tame him. So perhaps I should thank her.
Had Dad married Mom he would have most likely broken her heart. He was a wild beast - wanting to sew his seeds everywhere. How wretched!
I once thought that I could date my brother and not know. I joked every time I said that but there was always the possibility. He has 12 children. Thankfully older sister and I are the eldest. Well that's what I think anyway. Perhaps I'll get him to confirm whether or not that is true.
Either way, I think it would be good if we could all meet. Not sure I want to have close relations, but I'd at least like to know who they are. Perhaps I've passed one in the street and didn't know. How said that would be.
On a positive note, Dad did tell me that Mom was his first love and that he has regrets about not marrying her. He blamed his decision on youth and inexperience.
Dad also mentioned that he tried to get back with Mom after he got married but Mom's partner at the time wasn't having any of it. If that is the case, I'm glad to know that he tried. But also glad to know that he didn't succeed.
Even then, I don't think he was ready for a serious relationship. His eyes, his hands and other body parts wandered from one woman to the next.
How he managed to keep it together to build a successful retail business is a surprise to me. However his downfall doesn't surprise me. While he has not confirmed to me, others have claimed that a woman swindled him out of nearly a million US dollars. How awful!
But to know he had that kind of money and never shared with his first born children when we struggled greatly makes me angry and think how completely irresponsible of him.
My only memory of him giving us anything involved the yearly parade for school shoes. I hated those trips because we had to do the dance. I felt humiliated by it all. Of course, I'm sure he would (will) have a different view.
Of course, I won't bring any of this up. I'd like to think he feels a quiet shame. And in his current condition its best not to talk about how awful he was in his youth.
What then will we discuss? I have no idea. In our conversations over the last month or so, they have been somewhat laboured. Well me working hard to get him to open up and say anything. In old age he's gotten extremely quiet with his thoughts.
I can be that way at times, but having lost one parent, I seek answers. I want to know everything. So I haven't exactly been polite. Of course, there is a time a place for everything.
Saturday, 1st May @ 8:04am
Just spoke with half sister MotherOfTwo. She sounds pleasant.
Found out that Dad's first name is something completely different from what I've known my whole life. I had no idea. Yet another mystery revealed.
Anyway, she is meeting me later so I have some time with Dad on my own. Good! I had hoped it would be this way - us one on one.
Not good is the fact that the reunion will be in a hospital - on an open ward.
Saturday, 1st May @ 10:15am
The initial visit is brief as I'm early and it's not yet visiting hours.
The nurse is kind enough to let me see him.
I am shocked by how feeble he looks but it could be worse. He can stand and is able to communicate.
Another thing that surprises me is his height. I am almost (perhaps) even taller than him.
My memory as a child is one who would tower over me. Now it's the reverse.
Monday, 3rd May @ 11:45am
It has been an eventful few days. Now currently sitting at Dad's bed - he is lying down and for the first time he seems weaker; fragile. His hands shake.
The smell of hospital is the air. It's not a bad smell; but it lingers. It reminds me of my time in hospital with Mom. But the emotional aspect isn't there; not at the same level.
Of course that doesn't mean I don't feel sorry for him and so trying my best not to shed any tears. It won't be easy but I'm determined.
Interestingly, I'm starting to like half sister MotherOfTwo. She was extremely welcoming and hospitable. Plus her husband and children were lovely. When I left the younger one held on to me for a long while. He didn't want me to leave. It was a lovely feeling. So I'll definitely have to come back.
****
Subsequent to this trip, I have spoken to Dad but I haven't gone back for a visit. The initial euphoria wore off. Perhaps because everything is so laboured. He doesn't say much and really but for the fact that he is my father, we have nothing in common. How sad.
And before telling me he didn't want to talk about MrFixIt Guy anymore after one too many conversations on the matter, he said: "well the last thing I'm going to say about this is that it's like falling in love with your gardener."
No I wasn't in love with him, but I knew exactly what he meant. Sure we were childhood friends, but our adult lives were extremely different and our paths never would have crossed -- not socially and definitely not professionally.
He -- MrFixIt Guy -- was like the hired help.
And if I'm honest with myself, this caused major doubts from the beginning. I cringed at the thought of taking him to a dinner party and introducing him to friends.
He was the boyfriend I felt comfortable with one on one but dreaded the thought of having to introduce to friends, family and work colleagues.
I didn't dare update my relationship status on Facebook with a link to his profile.
I could hear the comments now. I'd definitely gone down market.
It was these thought along with doubts raised about more important matters that caused me to end things in the first place.
But then I felt guilty because I was being a complete snob and I had to own up to the fact that I did really like him. Or maybe it was just the idea of being in a relationship. Not sure.
Anyway, like wasn't love. I knew that much.
He kept pushing me to say it, but I just couldn't.
Interestingly, had he come in the image of Racquetball Guy or Airport Guy, I would have fakingly said it until I meant it.
But I just couldn't and that drove him crazy and ultimately away from me.
I in term then wanted to cling to this inappropriate relationship.
No I didn't call or text him (in fact I deleted his contact details from my phone and un-friended him on Facebook), but I did waste an awful lot of time talking and thinking about him. And oh yeah, on advice of BestGuyFriend, I sent an email accepting responsibility for all that was wrong in the relationship. This was all part of a silly attempt to win him back.
Now that was crazy and I wish I could claw it back. By hey, ce la vie!
Just as the male friend who knows MrFixIt Guy became frustrated with me, I've become frustrated with myself for dwelling on matters.
Particularly after I found out he's not the doting father he claims to be and he started a rebound relationship with a woman he claimed was just a friend. Yeah right!
Am I a wee bit jealous? No, not a all. Because according to my male friend, "she's like a dollar bill." She has quite a scandalous reputation as she's been passed from one man to the next -- "that woman hole done see sun light."
So enough! I've wasted enough energy on someone who has turned out to be a liar and is definitely not and will never be worthy.
Sometimes we realise too late that what was before us was really good and will never be again.
Sometimes we are stuck and cling to certain thoughts and inappropriate relationships.
Sometimes we learn the lessons and move on.
As I sat in the stands on Centre Court watching a doubles match involving Martina Navratilova drinking a glass of pimms, couldn't help but think about all I had to be thankful for despite recent challenges.
Below is a picture of me taken at Wimbledon.
You've Got to Love London from Alex Silver on Vimeo.
]]>I've had a lot of big dreams
I've made a lot of bad moves
I know you could walk away
But you never do
I've met a lot of cold hearts
I've learned to smile and deceive
I know I'm hard to be around
But you never leave
I'm not easy to understand
But you hold out your hand
And you say you love me
Just as I am
You always treat me
The best that you can
You say you want me, need me
Love me, baby
Just as I am, just as I am
I've made a lot of heartaches
I've found a lot of closed doors
When all the others turn away
You love me more
You love me more
I'm not easy to understand
But you hold out your hand
And you say you love me
Just as I am
You always treat me
The best that you can
You say you want me, need me
Love me, baby
Just as I am, just as I am
I want to love forever
To keep our world together
And be the best that I can be
Baby, every time the world caves in on me
You say you love me
Just as I am
You always treat me
The best that you can
You say you want me, need me
Love me, baby
Just as I am, just as I am